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I have a friend who talks about anger and says it’s a God given emotion. Anger is natural, and I think anyone can attest to feeling anger at least semi-regularly.

Anger is everywhere it seems. The internet is awash with posts and tweets that are full of opposing viewpoints that not only offend you, but that are unholy in their ignorance. How can you read online consistently and not be angry consistently?

And people… boy do they disappoint sometimes. Oh the expectations, how wrong you were to have them. Shame on you.

We all intrinsically know that excessive anger contributes to poor health.

But really, the way we deal with anger is what affects our health. We have options, and some options are more feasible depending on our personalities and our circumstances.

So how do we deal with the constant flood of people who piss us off? What’s the best way to handle anger? Can we make our anger work for us?

The way you deal with your anger has an effect on people liking you or not. You can push people away and they won’t come back if you don’t use skill in expressing anger. Anger can be ugly or attractive, depending on how and when you show it.

I’m not a mental health counselor and this is not a coaching session on anger management. Depending on who you’re asking, you might hear that I’m insane or wonderful or both. Opinions, like emotions, waiver.

Here are the options we all have (as far as I can tell):

1. Get mad and blow up about it.
2. Get mad and keep quiet about it.
3. Get mad and be passive aggressive about it.
4. Get mad and laugh about it.
5. Get mad and forget about it.
6. Get mad and control our emotions and calmly discuss our feelings with the offending party.

Let me start with number 6.

I believe this one to be a complete fallacy. It is the best option to start with, but not the best one to always use.

Sometimes people who make you angry really aren’t meaning to, right? So you can’t push them away forever by exploding on them. You have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Initially, anyway…

The thing is that people have their own issues and needs that have to be met. Sometimes the thing you’re mad about is something that happened while that person was meeting a higher priority need.

When you care about someone you have to understand that being angry with them is hurtful, so choose your battles.

In my experience, however, calmly expressing discontent with a person who has made me angry usually ends with me being invalidated by that person.

I have learned over the years that what made me angry was most likely the result of a person not caring about my feelings and not expecting to be called out about it. Or them purposely trying to upset me.

#6 is the equivalent of asking a person who tried to steal from you why they did it and letting them know you are mad about it. That person didn’t care in the first place about your feelings and they definitely aren’t going to sit nicely and reciprocate your care while they explain themselves.

Even though it seems like the most rational option overall, I find it to be the option most vulnerable to gaslighting.

It’s a strong no-go for me in general as a result of previous experiences. But that’s just me, and I make no claims about the level of rationality I live my life with.

Let’s move on to some of the other options.

How about #2 (Get mad and keep quiet about it)?

This is the one that will make you sick. Your health will deteriorate and your blood pressure will make your veins burst. You will have nightmares. You’ll take your anger out on innocent baristas.

This option should only be a stop-gap in situations where you need to stop, think, and react smartly. Basically, it’s the go-to option for someone who has control of your paycheck, kids, or other important need you rely on them for.

When you use this option, you expressly forego option #1.

Usually, I find, people are quiet at first and then spend some time thinking about it. Their next move is either select #3 or #6, which is be passive aggressive about it or talk about it.

If talk about it is selected, it usually means you’ve been ruminating on the offense. Oooo… it gets bigger. This is where you’ll find yourself arguing with people in your head. Having imaginary conversations with a person where you are presenting your feelings and perspective and they are reacting in various scenarios.

It often ends up being again followed up with #3 due to the gaslighting that often happens when we try to gently express discontent, and of course, we come to the table with all these imaginary conversations already having been had.

Let’s move on to #3 (Get mad and be passive aggressive about it).

This one is a terrible option, in my opinion, but rather useful. Whenever it’s been used on me, I know it, and I realize that I have to fix the hidden issue or deal with forever unspoken pain.

Things get so wishy-washy and they stay that way for a long time. Since you never really know what the person is upset about and the communication isn’t there to give them the thing that will meet their needs, you usually end up in a relationship of disdain eventually.

Therapists will recognize this as contempt. Usually in relationships, once there is contempt, the relationship is harder, if not impossible to save.

So, effectively this option is best used for people you don’t have freedom to communicate openly with, who you don’t really care about but need for a short while.

#4 Sounds nice. Everyone loves a good laugh.

If you can be a Buddha and have inner peace and enlightenment, this is a great option. For one, anger does subside eventually, and seeking gratitude and humor is healthier than nurturing rage.

Can you do it? I have noticed a couple of things about this more spiritual way to problem solve anger.

1. People think this is weird when you laugh when you are angry. If you get very good at it and start defaulting to it in habit, you’ll find that most people will think you are crazy. That’s because laughing when you are mad is not the correct emotion. It just doesn’t fit the situation and you come off as deeply injured, broken, or strange.
2. You will turn off and push away the people who you are mad at and basically just gave a pass to. How unfair is that to yourself? Here you are disrespecting yourself in an attempt to laugh off something to get over it easily.

Well what about forgetting about it (#5)?

Use this option only if you will actually do just that. It’s a fair option. We all have to choose what’s worth fighting for and fighting over. If you can shut up and forget about it then do that.

This doesn’t work when you’re really mad tho. Also, it opens itself to future sessions of the thing you just forgot about. It can be the same thing as kicking the problem down the road.

I like this option and use it a lot for things I don’t have the time or energy to address. All the little things. All those things I choose to subjugate to my personal peace that I decide I can forgive/forego (for now).

I’m not saying this is the healthiest way to deal with things but I personally tend to forget about it and if the thing keeps coming and repeating then I go straight to #1.

#1, in my opinion, the grand solution.

Things usually get solved only after #1. You have to blow up. You have to respect your anger and your feelings and your position.

But- make sure you’re not some crazy anger person and that you aren’t mentally unstable. You can’t just go blowing up on people all the time. You can’t and don’t have the right to be violent or abusive.

Anger is often misdirected. Sometimes you are actually angry at yourself. Or your mom or dad, or a teacher, or someone else in your past who let you down. Maybe you had a hard week or a hard year. You can’t unleash all that on one person over one thing and justify it as OK.

Blowing up can be as simple as stating loud and clear that you are unhappy about x, y, or z, being specific, and then giving them an opportunity to respond.

You can remove yourself from the situation, and/or all rewards that person usually benefits from as a result of your place in their life.

People need perspective sometimes. You don’t even need to punish others if you’re angry, but I believe, and this is just my opinion, that you should respect yourself enough to speak up about the fact that you are angry.

Don’t ever let it be fun for someone else to shit on you.

I have found that this keeps relationships very clean and also prevents people from f’g around and finding out too much.

If you don’t respect yourself, then you are feeding the bread of shame to others. To put it another way, it’s better to be pissed off that pissed on.

People actually like to know that you aren’t a person who hides feelings and resents secretly. I actually prefer it when people come out and say they’re mad and show it.

I respect them more and in doing so they have given me permission to respect myself more too.

Again, I’m not saying be violent or abusive. I’m saying be clear that you’re angry and respect that you are angry for a reason. Go think about it more if you need to, but don’t be afraid to send a message of being angry.

So, maybe it’s not always a blow up, but better out than in. Expressing anger is healing and it is a natural emotion we all have for a reason.

What can anger do for you?

It can keep motherf’ers in line. It can prevent abuse. It can drive you to do better, be better, get more, give more, and aim higher.

Anger is an excellent motivational tool that if harnessed effectively can take you to honest places in your heart and soul you needed to find.

Anger can give you a sense of direction. Ie: If you’re mad about it, you don’t like it, and don’t want more of it in your life.

Anger can be toxic, namely when you overindulge and over focus on it. It can be abusive and can ruin relationships and drive you to drink and do drugs.

Like any emotion, it needs to be tempered. Like fire, it needs to be respected.

But don’t deny it. Don’t crush it or eat it or internalize it. Don’t dwell on it or soak in it. Don’t let anger make you sick. Don’t let anger make you lose perspective, lose good friends, or ignite a series of bad decisions.

What do you think? What works for you and doesn’t work for you? How do you feel when others take different approaches to dealing with their anger?

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